The Spawning Grounds/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: Here's the man who has all the friends, and he knows how to use them. He's so diplomatic, his favorite color is plaid. Wa-a-a! Here's my uncle, mr. Red green! By golly. Thank you very much. And, uh, thank you, harold, for that intro. Those were compliments, were they? You got that one right, big fella. Boom. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Well, he means well. Wouldn't it be great if he did well? Or was well? Anyway, we've had a real catastrophe up here at the lodge with one of the rocks. It's a rock, uncle red. What can go wrong with a rock? It's a rock. Well, actually, it wasn't so much the rock. It was what happened to the backhoe after the rock was moved. Oh, it rolled into the van? No. R-rolled into a tree? No, no. Uh, harold, think about a large body of lukewarm fluid. Rolled into moose thompson. Possum lake, harold! Oh! Oh, that! Rolled into possum lake! Yeah, I should have -- oh, that's -- boy, you make a lot of mistakes! Yes, I do. But I don't blame them on rocks. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ this was my granddaddy's farm ♪ ♪ a hundred years ago ♪ ♪ he won it in a card game ♪ ♪ everyone else had the sense to fold ♪ ♪ the ground is as hard as... ♪ ♪ really, really hard material ♪ ♪ the water tastes like eggs ♪ ♪ but luckily, the government stepped in ♪ ♪ and paid him not to grow stuff ♪ ♪ which was more or less his specialty ♪ this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to build something that'll help you build everything you ever build. 'cause the one biggest danger that faces every handyman is not hitting your thumb with a hammer or cutting off your finger at the knuckle or even catching your nose hairs in the lathe. It's losing your tools. It just seems that, uh, you know, you put a tool down, say a pair of pliers, you know, or a -- or a hammer, and two or three seconds later, you go and look for it... And you can't find it. You end up... Rooting through everything. And after a couple hours, you find it out in the trunk of your car, and you have no idea how it got there. This is because when you're not watching tools, they'll get up, and they'll walk away on you, just like kids. So, uh, anyway, I'll tell you what happened last week. Bill did some bungee jumping off the roof of the lodge, and, uh, I got an idea. Actually -- actually, it gave me two ideas, the first one being don't ever bungee-jump by tying a bunch of old jock straps together, especially when somebody's going by in a lawn tractor. And secondly, I got the idea, why don't we make a bungee belt to hold all our tools? Okay, well, the first thing you got to do is gather up all your tools. These are a few that I found around the bench and on the floor, in my pockets, and up the chimney. Okay, now you're gonna need a big, wide belt, like the kind the lumberjacks use or the telephone repairmen or, actually, maybe you have one of these yourself if when you went to the disco in, say, '73, "Saturday night fever" kind of a thing. I use this one to hold the muffler onto the possum van. Okay, now you need some stretchy cords. Anything will do, really. Uh, these are real good. Uh, this is a phone cable. Hard to come by, though, 'cause they've switched to that, uh, metal flexible stuff in the pay phones. And then, of course, you've got your bungee cords. You've got some lap cord in here. There's the rubber hose from the lodge sick room. And we got a slinky, an old slingshot. Step one, attach all this stuff to your belt. And there you have it. I've turned myself into a more efficient handyman or a hula dancer. Now all I got to do is attach the tools to the end. ♪ I go back to my workbench ♪ [ singing indistinctly ] okay, now, say I have to install a jacuzzi or unclog a drain, and all I need is my pipe wrench, so just grab my pipe wrench -- uh... Um... All right, I-I need to organize this a little bit. What I need is to -- to mark e-each cord so I know what's on it, so I'll just get my pencil. My pencil, my pencil... Oh, there's the pipe wrench. Okay, well, this whole thing needs to be organized. Hang on. Hang on a minute. Okay, now, I got everything labeled and in alphabetical order, from "a.B.S. Cement" right around to "zinc sulfate." so, I want to find my pipe wrench. Here we are. "level," "mallet," "nails," "oil stone," "paintbrush," "paint scraper," "pipe." here we go. "pipe -- pipe cutter," "pliers." oh, no, no. I labeled it under "wrench" -- "w," "wrench." yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, here we are. Here we are. "wrench, adjustable." "wrench, monkey." "wrench, pipe." here we are. [ glass shatters ] uh, you want to make sure those are really snugged down there, and maybe to do that, you could use the handyman's secret weapon -- uh, duct tape. So...Let's see. "calipers," "cleaver," "dadoes," "drill," "drill bit," "duct tape." yeah, there we go. Uh, so we got this, and I've got another idea. My screwdrivers and the smaller tools don't fit on the belt real well. I need a couple of belts over the shoulders, and I'll attach that with this stuff. And this is gonna take a little bit of time, so why don't we get on with the show? And I'll get her all built, and we'll come right back. And now it's that part of the show where we expose the three little words that men find so difficult to say -- "I don't know." and here to prove that point is my uncle red and, of course, his best friend, mr. Hap shaughnessy. Okay. Here's today's letter. "dear experts, last fall, my brother went deer-hunting "and gave me some venison steaks, "but I forgot to refrigerate them. "this spring, after the snow thawed, "I noticed the meat was still sitting on the back-porch rail "where I left it last November. Do you think the meat is still safe to eat?" wa-a-a! I don't think we need an expert to answer this one. [ chuckles ] that's right, harold. Uh, the meat will be just fine. Isn't that right, hap? Yeah, one winter's nothing. I remember when I, uh, led a group of archaeolo-- uh, diggers from the university of tel aviv on an expedition to greenland, and we came across this dinosaur that was frozen and buried in the glacial tundra, and I thawed it out, and the meat was delicious. So you ate brontosaurus, hap? No, not bronto. No, this was strato. Stratocumulusaurus. It had fallen into an ice crevasse, and it was perfectly preserved, all except the tip of the tail. That was a bit rancid. Well, he's the expert on rancid tales. So, tell everybody, how'd the dinosaur taste? Dinosaur is a bit gamier than anaconda but not quite as fatty as, say, uh, killer whale. There's a lot more meat on the stratocumulusaurus. Yeah, it was a big fellow. Right up to the clouds, I bet, huh? Yep. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, I was gonna bring back all the extra flesh and maybe try to market my own brand of dinosaur meat, you know? And I, uh -- I registered my own, uh, trademark, brand name. Hap's dino dogs? Nope. Jurassic pork. "it is winter. "the animals are warmly tucked away in their dens... With a case of two-four and the remote controller." okay. There we go. I can go anywhere and fix anything at any time. I need a curved plane? Got it. Compass saw? Got it. Screw-mate drill bit? What do you think? Now, what else could I use? Well, it's always nice to have a little extra light on a job. Or, say, a-a third hand would come in handy. And a lot of the guys at the lodge say that I could use a little head protection. Well, why not combine all three? That's handyman thinking. Okay, so there it is. I can now go anywhere at any time and fix anything, although I wouldn't advise going out into the woods when the moose are in heat. And I have added another, uh, safety element here with a little yogurt tub full of baking soda. So if I'm soldering or welding or what have you and, uh, suddenly the whole workbench and most of the furniture's on fire, I can just, uh, lean forward quickly, and, uh, hopefully, the fire goes out fast, 'cause I actually have my face, uh, right -- right into the flames at that point. So, it's really, uh -- it's a wearable workshop. Uh, kind of a neat-looking unit. Uh, it's a fashion statement, really, that says, "hey, world, I'm a tool." so, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I think I'll just go and, uh, change the oil in the furnace. [ boing! Boing! Boing! ] [ squeak! ] don't worry. I can fix that. Dougie! Yo! Getting up in the world, are you? Well, actually, not as up as I may appear to be, red. I'll tell you, you ever in your life get a chance to drive over a taxi, I would suggest you remove that little sign from the roof first. Caused you some damage, did it? Well, sir, I tell you, those suckers are made out of kryptonite or something. That ripped right through my oil pan like a bumper through a bus shelter. Dougie, do you think this, uh, monster truck here could pull my backhoe out of possum lake? Well, not till I scavenge me a new oil pan, it won't. Besides, you know, if I were you... I'd, uh -- I'd recommend that you, uh... ...Just leave that backhoe down there, if I were you. Well, that'd be a little hard on the lake, wouldn't it? Make the water taste like backfill. Au contraire, mon frère. Actually, it's quite good for the lake. Here we go. Yeah, apparently, uh, them little fish -- they need a place to grow in, a place to grow up. They call them -- they call them fingerlings, I think. And, uh, you know, without that place to grow, them little suckers -- oh, if they didn't have a place to hide, they'd stand about as much chance as a honda civic in one of them monster-truck crush-a-ramas. So, what you're saying is the backhoe sort of acts like a daycare center for the little fishies. That's it. That's it exactly. I mean -- ooh! Oh, geez! Got to watch your head with this baby. I'll tell you, I had a friend of mine -- he rolled a semi right over the third line bridge into mercury creek. Well, you know, I would have thought that bridge was too narrow for a big truck. Well, it is, but that's why it was up on two wheels. And he would have made it right across there, too, if this gust of wind hadn't come along and just dumped him right over there like a turtle on his back. But you know what? He left that sucker there, gets a check from the government, said he created an artificial reef for fingerling conservation. If you had half a brain, you could cash in on that yourself, red. Golly. The government is paying you to throw wrecks into the lake? You're sitting on a gold mine here, doug. Red, red, I'm not in this for the money. All this stuff you're looking at here -- this is my joie de vivre. This is my hobby. This is for my friends. This -- this ain't some get-rich-quick scheme, red. You're looking at my life here. Never seen anybody's life rust out quite this bad, doug. Beautiful, ain't it? You got to love it. Well, you can imagine the excitement around here when the word got out that the government was paying people to throw crap in the lake. I'll tell you, it pretty well, uh, emptied the parking lot at the yugo dealership. Uncle red, you know, I don't think it's gonna work unless you alter the ph. What's that, harold? You sound like a shampoo commercial. No. You have to alter the ph, you know? You can't catch fish if the ph is too low, so you have to raise the ph, make it more alkaline. Wa-a! What, are you gonna throw batteries in there? That's gonna cost a lot of money, harold. No, no. Limestone. You have to dissolve limestone into the lake. Wa! Limestone? Limestone won't work. Limestone will kill all the fish. No, it helps! It's limestone. Really, that's what you need -- limestone. Well, all right. Let's do a little test, harold. I'll get a little piece of limestone. I'll put it in your eye, and you tell me if it helps or hurts. [ laughs ] I don't think that threats are gonna solve anything here. Well, neither is limestone. Okay, okay. So, we'll get in touch with the right people, and we'll find out what to use and how to use it and more importantly, how to get our hands on that government money, or as we call it, our "change." what are you doing, harold? [ laughing ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ when it comes to the men, the men of the lodge ♪ ♪ our friendship lasts longer than the warranty on a dodge ♪ ♪ I need them and trust them, and I'm always on their side ♪ ♪ unless the situation involves money ♪ ♪ or an attractive woman or preferably both ♪ [ film projector clicking ] red: Kind of a winter "adventures with bill" today, so I drove over there and -- oops! [ whip! Whip! Whip! ] bill: Uh-oh! [ whistle! ] I was gonna drive close to the curb, I thought. What is that? Oh, there's -- I think there's one more -- let's see -- one more ski to come yet. Aah! Ah, there it is. Okay. Now, bill wanted to try some, uh, downhill skiing, and, uh, he had gotten all the equipment together. And, uh, actually, two of the skis were mine, so I picked them up, and, uh, he had the pole. Looked like we were -- and it was a good day to just get... You know, there's something about bill that... Makes you want to go home as soon as you get there. Anyway, uh, he picked out a heck of a hill. This thing is practically straight down. It was so steep, I could hardly keep my pants up. But, uh, look, I don't enjoy this part of skiing, you know, where you got to walk all the way. Of course, we don't have the -- the towrope things at possum lodge. Anyway, I'm up there, and bill -- he's -- he's pretty bagged. You know, he's -- he's an older fella, you know? [ honk! ] oh, oh, oh. And now I'm feeling about the same as him. But he jams the skis in there, and he's got this, uh -- apparently this ski wax -- real slippery stuff. But it gives you a little extra spin when you're going. [ whip! ] oh, oh. Thank you, bill. And he puts that all over the skis, and they're just -- well, you get the idea. So he puts my skis down to show -- well, bill. Bill, the skis seem -- yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Goodbye. Oh, man. Down he goes. Aah! Starting to enjoy this now. Oh, not quite so much. But... Enjoyed that. So, I walk all the way down, see what the heck's going on, 'cause those are my skis down there. And so far, I'm enjoying myself real well. Bill's okay. That's good news, I guess. The skis didn't fare quite so well. What are we gonna do now, bill? He goes back skiing. I'm finished for the day. So, up he goes, and boredom is setting in pretty deep for me now. Sticks the poles in there. He's -- he's kind of frozen. I think he melted a bit into the snow, but then -- oh, he's got no poles. No poles. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh! Oh! Ohh! Oh, the heck with this. I've had enough. Skiing with bill is a total drag. And now here's something for you young people, because you're young, and you're strong, and you'll eventually recover from this. [ music playing ] for the first time anywhere, here is the harold news network, with harold green bringing you all the news that'll be of interest to teenagers. Chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh. [ laughs ] okay. All right. Uh, I'm harold green, and here's our top stories for tonight. Um, the older generation continues to ruin the world and destroy the earth's ecosystem. Old people started three more world wars that we young people are gonna go have to fight in. On the economic front, old people hold all the jobs that we young people could probably do way more better if we're given, like, half a chance even maybe, huh? New scientist evidence have just shown that people over the age of 20 lose some 10,000 brain cells a day. Scientists believe this can account for the world's problems, from global warming to cafeteria food. Spunky -- oh. This just handed in to me, this late-breaking news. Police may soon be investigating the mysterious disappearance of a 17-year-old boy named harold. [ laughs ] and that's all the news there is from the harold news network. I'm harold green saying good night. Wa-a! Goodbye. [ film projector clicking ] now, I know a lot of you teenagers don't like to hear advice, but communication is an important part of life. And besides, who cares what you think? There's a lot of stuff that you don't know. And I'm guessing that there's one, maybe even two experts right there in your own home. This, of course, is your parents. So, if you're wondering what it's like to be really, really intoxicated or, say, caught naked in a public place, why not ask the people who've been there -- mom and dad? Especially mom. Bob, uh, with these fish and so on, is there -- is there some kind of a chemical that we can add -- add to the lake that'll help with the acidity and so on? Limestone. Limestone? Yeah. No, I knew that. Uh, what I wanted to know, was there -- was there some other chemical that would work? No. Oh. All right, all right. Is there -- is there another name for limestone that, say, somebody like harold or somebody wouldn't know? Calcium carbonate. Calcium carbonate. Yes. Great. All right. Thanks, bob. I'll get back now. And -- and good luck with your land-slope testing. All right. Thanks. [ boing! ] uncle red, is that you? [ laughs ] what? I just said, "is that you?" oh, I thought you said "statue." anyway, this, uh, limestone mess turned out to be a real disaster. Wa-a! Pardon me. Did you say "limestone"? [ laughs ] I meant calcium carbonate. What? Calcium carbonate, harold. I asked an expert. I asked him about the limestone, and he said, "use calcium carbonate." uncle red, calcium carbonate is limestone. Don't push it, harold, all right? So, we sot four tons of limestone into the lake, which cost us 280 bucks, and then we got a check from the government for $102, so it's just like income-tax time again as far as I'm concerned. Well, think -- think of it this way. You did something good for the fish, and who knows? Maybe you'll retrieve the backhoe. Oh, no, no. When the lime-- when the calcium carbonate hit the backhoe, it just kind of disintegrated into a cloud of rust. Kind of a low rumble, bad smell, and then the tires popped to the surface. Well, there you go. The -- the tires. The tires are probably worth something. They popped through the boathouse. Then they just popped. Then they sank, taking my new canoe with them. [ chuckles ] well, hey, you -- you tried your best, young fella. Don't blame yourself. I don't, harold. I blame you. Why? What did I do?! I didn't do anything. You're the guy that was using the rock as the emergency brake for the backhoe, weren't you? I-I...Didn't do that. Wa-a! And anyway, let's just remember who used the backhoe last. Wa! All right, well, I'll blame the rock. It's what I wanted to do in the first place, anyway. [ screeching ] oh, okay. Forget that, uncle red, because it's meeting time. That's the possum squeal. All right, harold. You -- you go ahead. I'll be -- I'll be right down. Well, uh, that's -- that's about it for this show. And if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, unless it rains and I harden. And, uh, to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and, uh, rock head and the whole bunch of us here up at the possum lake lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati.